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27/07/14

decent day yesterday, I feel like such a hypocrite (wrong word more like fake?) to have a recovery blog when I hardly ever feel in recovery, NOT because I am giving up..because, I feel like it is just normal. And I know that’s because I eat the same range of foods each week, but I’m sure that’s normal to have some routine and preferences. I calorie estimate at the end of the day so I have enough, I weigh myself occasionally, but it just doesn’t seem to affect me. Which is really weird because I hate my body, and I want to be skinny again, skinnier than I was. But it just doesn’t impact my food.

Anyway I think I have a drug/drink problem, more so drugs but yeah it’s just everyone I hang round with does it, and I don’t mind because it helps. Literally this is a pile of shit, I cut, I drink, I smoke, I’m struggling. Doesn’t matter, I’m not fucking underweight. They don’t care any more, I’m on no ones priority list, what do I have to do? I just hate this, I feel like such a failure. Okay now I feel in recovery. This stupid half sick feeling, I hate hate hate it. 

My dad is screaming at me for being lazy. He told me all I do is sit on my laptop, when I actually had friends over last night and did things with them today. He wants me to take the dog for a walk, because I don’t do anything, because I’m fat and lazy, fine, fucking fine, I’ll walk her, I’ll make myself work harder than I am capable of because you seem to think I’m all fucking healthy and happy now. You ignorant dickheads, I am not okay, I am not okay. This is not a diet, this is not a phase, I fucking hate hate hate hate hate this. 

POSITIVES

Going to Manchester for the weekend. With my triggering Dad. Oh. But I will try and focus on the shopping. Going to Athens, with Dad, but I am so excited to see everything. Greek mythology has always been my favourite. 

I can’t talk to anyone about it, this is a mess, I am all over the place with my thoughts, it keeps coming back, he keeps coming back. I can’t think straight right now, I want to cut I want to starve I want to die, I have grade but no papers for fucks sake I have nothing to help, there’s wine but I don’t like it. But I might have to. I hate myself. I need to stop this. I FUCKING HATE YOU BITCH. ruined, wasted, so messy I’m sorry this doesn’t make sense. 

edit : I started out with decent day and I didn’t even talk about my day. Well we had a little end of year celebratory piss up, it was fine, I walked quite a bit as we were going through lots of fields and a group of us walked to a kebab shop which was like half an hour away. I had my best friend, boy I like/get with/kinda like, and the boy she likes/gets with/kinda likes round to sleep. It was lovely. I’m sorry but I don’t get how he can be such a dick sometimes when he is so so so nice. Like we cuddled all night and I just felt so safe in his arms. Okay this is weird, but yeah, it felt good. And he is just so funny and amazing. 

why can’t this be simple, why does he have to get with other girls, why do I have to speak to other boys and not be sure

urgh

but mostly that I am a fat, lazy, shit person is getting to me. 

"

You smell like smoke and disappointment,
I blend into you like ice flows into water,
You hold me with courage and contentment,
With your arms grasped around, I’m trapped.

Your whisky breath tickles my spine like needles,
I fall further and further in a daze, encased in
Your embrace, and it comforts me.
Each breath you take, is life to me.

You’re a luxury gold into my copper,
I rust while you shine but we heat with passion,
You can be mine, you can blaze me like grade,
And we’ll hit that like a late night haze.

You left the morning after the night before,
So we got dry and delirious,
Grey sparked and heads hard,
We had fun but it was desperate and dysfunctional.

Then you wrenched blunt knife on me,
I had tripped so deeply, kissing with certainty,
You let me love you, and then you loved me back,
But your idea of love is just that.

"

-

R.E.P (via down-where-we-grew-lost)

I felt the need to write this down

Anonymous said: I care, we care, I'm sure your family and friends do care. Honestly, I'm so proud of you for getting this far but please stay strong. Don't do anything silly, do some self care activities; take a bath, paint your nails, read a book etc. All of us here on tumblr care about you and want the bed for you. Please don't hurt yourself, I love you xxx

I’ve kept this in my inbox for a while to check back and look at. This is so so so kind and amazing of you! Thank you, I have been using distractions and it means a lot that you care :) I won’t, I love you xxx

ladiesagainstproana said: You've come a very long way from your illness, I know how hard it is to stick with recovery but I'm so immensely proud of you. Just breathe, remember that you are not numbers, and maybe listen to something tranquil. I have hope for you, and I love you deeply <3

Thank you for taking the time to send me this, seriously thank you so much! I love you too, and I love your blog also!! <3

Anonymous said: I've been reading your posts and I know how you feel but trust me when I say it you are not fat! you honestly look so healthy right now. you are such a healthy and beautiful person and you shouldn't not like that. You are so beautiful and I think you are such a brave person to put this out there but it really does help people see recovery is good and thank you for that so much. but in all honesty you do not look fat, you look amazing!!!! ily babe so much!!!!

This was very helpful, thank you! I know, it’s not right to hate being healthy and alive. Honestly this is such a lovely message, it means a lot, yes recovery is worth it. Thank you, I love you <3

Anonymous said: For the record, I think you have an amazing body. And your stomach is cute ^.^

Aw! Thank you, aha :)

youvecattobekitten said: I'm not even saying this to just make you feel better, you LITERALLY are not fat. In fact, you look rather small. Don't overthink it babe(: xo

thank you so much! I’m trying not to :) xxx

Anonymous said: if that is you having gained 30 pounds then you must have been nearly dead as you look healthy and still very slim now, you are beautiful

you’re right I was, I was very ill, thank you, you are beautiful-er <3